Chillin' by the agua on a beach in Nicaragua

Costa Rica was a whirlwind of stress, so we decided to dedicate our two weeks in Nicaragua to ch-ch-chiiiiillin'.

We flew into Managua and set straight out for the sleepy beach town of Playa Gigante. A straight-shot drive takes about 2.5 hours, but if you're going to chiiiiiiill by the beach for an extended duration, you'll want to make a pitstop in Rivas to stock up at the supermarket. We arrived by dark, chose which of our three bedrooms we wanted to post up in, and passed out hard.

The next morning we were treated to, like, a pretty decent view, I guess.

Strong bid for infinity pool of the year

Welcome, friend, to our next two weeks.

The place

The place. Was. Dope. We found it on Airbnb, and since the tourism industry in Nicaragua is not doing so hot, it was a pretty awesome deal. This three-bedroom pimp pad of a place comes with an infinity pool, a private beach (say wuuuut!?), two decks, a hammock, a grill, a big flatscreen TV, bose speakers - you know, the essentials.

Looking over our private beach (a sandy-ish chill area is off to the left)

I'd show you more of the house, but aparently we were so enthused about this view we didn't really take pictures of anything else.

Let's do one more, shall, we?

The private beach is too rocky for swimming (you'll need to walk 10 mins out for that), but it's a gorgeous rock grotto with hundreds of scampering crabs, massive crashing waves, and epic geysers. We loved exploring its nooks and crannies.

Not shown here: Soph's terrified shriek immediately after frame 3

Making a geyser of my own

The point is, for about $70 / night you can chill in goddamn paradise, and that is exactly what we did.

The wildlife

We became good friends with the resident monkey troop, as they loved chillin' in the trees right next to our house. The first time we saw them, we ran out excitedly to take some pictures...

Monkey poo!

... only to have the monkey above us, no joke, drop a big steamy monkey poo no more than TWO feet from my head. We were IN THE SPLASH ZONE, dudes. I'm telling you: if you've never had a monkey (almost!) poo on your head, you haven't lived.

The only thing funnier than almost getting poo'd on was Soph's daily reaction to finding spiders in the house. Because we ran into a LOT of spiders, and they were YUUUUUGE.

Left: the spiders were no-joke the size of small sand dollars
Right: can you spot the tree iguana?

These weren't your typical run-of-the-mill, squash-them-with-a-paper-towel spiders. We're talking about smack-'em-with-a-flip-flop-and-pound-'em-into-the-ground monstrosities, and Soph's scared-shitless-shrieks consistently made my day.

Other animal friends included a variety of scuttling crabs, some tiny wall-hugging geckos, a massive tree-climbing iguana, and even a full-fledged family of pigs.

Oh hi there, bacon(s)

The schedule

Our schedule was pretty similar to what Soph outlined in her Costa Rica post. Most days we woke up with the sunrise, and the vast majority of our time was spent reading, learning, coding, cooking, learning Czech and chillin'.

The view during sunrise (OK, OK, last pic of the view, I promise)

My main learning focus this leg of our trip was religion, so I spent the better part of every morning meditating on the beach, studying Buddhism (thoughts here), working my way through the Qur'an (thoughts here), and reading a book on atheism (thoughts here).

Chillin' with my morning meditation buddy (a hermit that lives by the sea)

Soph was focused on learning Czech, crushing some fiction, getting her tan on, and sticking to an intense workout program that can only be described as "insanity" (which, coincidentally, is exactly what it's called).

Mornings we drank more coffee than you can shake a stick at; for lunch and dinner we cooked our own meals; and as soon as the sun started setting, you'd best believe we cracked some dank coronas, blended up some chronic piña coladas, and mixed some masterful vodka OJs.

... sometimes before the sun started setting

March Madness and the Wheel of Ice

Our stay coincided with March Madness, and both Soph and I were in a $25 buy-in March Madness pool with the bros. We were able to stream a number of the games, and by the power of WhatsApp, some solid shit talking was talked.

We had to find some creative ways to stream the games

As one point during said shit-talking, Matthew suggested it'd be hilarious to have a Smirnoff-Ice themed wheel-of-(mis)fortune app you could digitally spin as punishment for a bro-fail. Challenge accepted!

It didn't take long to hack together a janky prototype. Introducing: www.wheelofice.com.

WARNING: don't take a spin unless you're willing to suffer the consequences. Big brother is watching you.

Aside on Jandro's bro-fail: Jandro and I had a side bet going for one of the games, where the deal was that the loser would find some creative way to ice themselves in the subsequent 24 hours.

Jandro, of course, lost the bet. And then, of course, he didn't hold up his end of the bargain. At which point, of course, he was a HUGE MOPEY BITCH about the whole thing. None of this should surprise you.

After a another day's worth of bitching he finally paid his dues, but at this point interest had accrued. Let the record show that Jandro still owes me two spins on the wheel.

Bet you can't guess who won our bracket for the second year running?

Thank you, bros, for your selfless financial contributions

The trek to town

Thrice we trekked to the nearby town of Playa Gigante to stock up on groceries and grab a drink in civilization. And two of those times we took a delightful "shortcut" through the wilderness, 'cause even though Playa Gigante is (in theory) just over a mile away, we totally sucked at getting there.

The first time, the receptionist at the resort next door told us we could just "walk along the beach." Ya. Sure.

Soph tremendously enjoyed rocking flip-flop for this rock traversal

Our beachside stroll turned out to be a sweaty boulder scramble ending with a sketchy climb up a crumbling cliff. But! It was indeed a straight-shot to town, so perhaps we're just a pair of lily-livered gringos.

Getting lost on the way to town is a time-honored Nicaraguan tradition

For our second attempt, we reasoned that said receptionist actually meant there's a path on the hill that parallels the beach. Above you can see Soph descending back down said "path," after a delightful climb up an overgrown hill that led exactly nowhere.

Eventually we figured it out. Moral of the story: don't trust receptionists. Trust Google maps.

The town

Playa Gigante is a small, sleepy beachside town that is (on your third try) just a 30 minute walk away. It consists of a single road running parallel to the shore, and sports a handful of cheap bars, a run-down restaurant or two, and two essentials-only mini-marts that look like they're being run out of someone's garage. It was... perfect.

Our favorite spot was Juntos Bar y Restaurante, nestled right up on the beach, and run by a former Canadian gringo now living the Nicaragua surfbum life.

Background bros rockin' red shorts and matching sunburns like a BOSS

The beer was cold, the piña coladas were delightful, and the sunsets were absolutely breathtaking.

Make sure to head back as soon as the sun sets, otherwise you'll be stumbling back through dark woods with a terrified Sophie in tow

We didn't spend a ton of time in town, but it was nice being able to dip our toes in civilization here and there, and not having to rent a car or deal with taxis for grocery runs was huge.

Venturing out for Soph's b-day

We all know that Soph doesn't like to make a big deal of her birthday, so you'll be shocked to hear that on March 24th we left our little slice of oceanside paradise and had ourselves a date night at the nearby town of Playa Santana.

Stunning sunsets at Magnific Rock Popoyo

We got dropped off at Magnific Rock Popoyo just in time for sunset. The place was earily empty, but the view was absolutely AMAZING. Prices were roughly double that of our Playa Gigante beachside shack ($6 vs $3 for a piña colada). Which is to say, very doable, and totally worth it.

Left: you can see our sunset-view terrace in the distance
Right: surf and turf for the win

We had dinner at Rancho Santana, located just a beach stroll away. We had a bit of laugh getting in, as the guard on patrol outside was VERY serious about making sure we had reservations. We're talking let-me-see-this-so-called-email-gotta-walkie-talkie-my-superior-DON'T-YOU-DARE-KEEP-WALKING serious. Yes, dude, we have a reservation, but if we didn't, I'm sure one of those 20 empty tables behind you would do just fine.

It was our first non-home-cooked meal in over a week - and while we're pretty damn good cooks these days, thank you very much - it was DA BOMB.

Last day by the beach

And just like that, our time in paradise came to an end. It's crazy how fast it went by: two weeks flew by in what felt like two days. We grabbed our last surviving beer, walked down to our beach, and enjoyed one last breathtaking sunset.

Sunshine don't do gooooo...

It was beautiful, and we enjoyed every last drop.

Every... last... drop...

Last night in Managua

Our flight out wasn't until the following day, so we had one more evening in Managua. Given that we'd spent the prior two weeks getting rather sick of the malty monstrosity Nicaraguans call beer, you can probably imagine our mission for the evening.

WHAT IS THIS DELIGHTFUL BEVERAGE!?

Managua was... fine. Nothing special, but there were plenty of cool bars and restaurants in our neighborhood, and we felt completely safe exploring.

We snagged some some beers with funny names, had ourselves a good laugh at how much Latin America loves Smirnoff Ice, and watched ourselves some basketball.

You could spin the wheel FOREVER here

And thus ends the Latin American chapter of our year abroad. Dear southern neighbors: your beers might suck, but damn if you aren't the chillest of the chillers. We can't wait to come back.

Parting thoughts: is Nicarague safe?

Nicaragua is currently in a state of political and economic non-chillness. In 2018 the country went, almost overnight, from one of the fastest growing tourist destinations in Latin America to a place folks watching from a distance are a little sketched out about. So what went down? And is it safe to visit?

What went down: in early 2018, the government, facing a massive federal deficit, decided to take away social security benefits, and the people took to rioting in the streets. The government reacted with violent force, and has been acting pretty sketchy since: suppressing dissent, responding aggressively to protests, and otherwise doing little to address the underlying issues.

Things have calmed down a bit since then, and tourisms is slowly starting to climb, but mostly the country has been stagnant. See here for a concise up-to-date summary.

Is it safe for tourists? In short: yes, but don't be stupid. Here's an article I thought did a good job delving into what that means. The main point is that Nicaragua is currently a shitty place to be a resident, but most of this shittiness doesn't much affect you as a tourist.

And if all you're looking to do is spend a week or two lounging by El Gigante, the answer becomes "absolutely." You can arrange private transport to and from the Airbnb; the house itself is in a guarded community; and the nearby town of El Gigante is small, friendly, and full of good vibes.

Finally, there's a silver lining to all this: Nicaragua right now is CHEAP. Everything - from housing, to food, to drinks - is about half the price of, say, Costa Rica, and no worse for the wear. So if you're looking to ball out by the beach on a budget, may we humbly suggest: go chill by the agua on a beach in Nicaragua.

Chillaxin' to the max

Jaco Beach

After hiking the Inca trail to Machu Picchu for 4 days (and now a year into traveling around!), we were ready for the "chill" part of our year off. Think nature, pools, and sunshine. But in order to get to our oasis in the jungle, we first needed to rent a car and spend a night in Jaco beach.

Jaco is a quaint little beach town, that surprised us by having a few craft breweries. We got in late, felt the water - it is insanely warm - and made our way over to PuddleFish Brewery.

For those of you unfamiliar with Costa Rica, it is beautiful, but boy, is it expensive. The prices are similar to the US, and be prepared for an extra 25% tax-plus-service charge when the bill comes.

After PuddleFish, we stopped by a cute little bar run by a Canadian expat called The Beer House. We'd recommend this place over PuddleFish. The beer was much better, and the owner is super friendly. He'll even give you a history lesson on craft beer in Costa Rica.

Realizing that our wallets couldn't keep up, we headed back to our hostel.

Jungle Oasis

The following day we drove the remaining two hours to a little area called Ojochal where we would be spending the next 6 days. After stocking up on groceries, we found ourselves basically off-roading it to get to the house. In Costa Rica, once you're off the main road, it's a whole lot of rocks and dirt. They are serious when they say a 4x4 vehicle is necessary, but oh my, was it worth it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our little jungle hideout.

Just what the doctor ordered

The Schedule

So what did we really do for 6 days? A whole lot of - whatever... the... hell... we... wanted. Which definitely consisted of more than a few of these:

Since we only left the house ONCE (to buy more groceries), our days typically went like this:

• Wake up between 6:30am - 7:30am.
• Coffee and reading on the balcony.
• Workout time!
• Breakfast - we are very good at making eggs.
• I would then swim, tan, and read (on loop), while Mirek usually read or worked on a coding project.
• We would typically make lunch around 12:30pm - almost always sandwhiches - because we're basic.
• Back to reading / to-do list things (write my part of a wedding ceremony, taxes, blog posts, practice Czech, etc).
• Some afternoons Mirek and I would play a video game together - Hollow Knight. And by together I mean he would play and I would tell him what to do as if I knew what I was doing. It was very entertaining.
• The sun usually set around 5:45pm and we would watch from the balcony while enjoying a delicious beverage.
• We would then cook dinner around 7pm and relax for the night watching a movie, the Warriors, or catching up on a funny show.

Yes, dad, hearing it out loud does make it sound like we're an old retired couple. But aren't we, kind of?

On our way back to San Jose, we stopped by nearby Uvita waterfall and had ourselves a nice picnic on the beach.

It was, by design, the chillest of chilled-out weeks. Exactly what we needed, and the perfect appetizer for Nicaragua (aka Costa Rica part 2: beachside edition).

... or are we still in Europe?

Flying halfway across the world

Prague saw us off in a fitting fashion and woke us up to a powdering of freshly fallen snow. Message heard load and clear: time for us to get outta here!

A nice reminder as to why we're leaving for the Southern Hemisphere

Our flight from Prague to Buenos Aires involved a 10 hour layover in Barcelona, where we spent the day exploring the city...

...'s various beer bars

From there it was a straight shot to BA. Landing in Argentina was kinda trippy: not just because it was sweltering hot, but because it kinda felt like we were still in Spain: the architecture, the fashion, and the people had very European vibes - think Madrid or Milan. I guess I was expected something more akin to Mexico City, but I guess that's just about as far away as Europe is.

We stayed at a cute AirBnb in the Recoleta neighborhood. This is close to a lot of the "touristy" sights, but otherwise it isn't a very interesting or pedestrian friendly place. We found ourselves wishing we'd stayed in the nearby Villa Crespo instead, and we spent a LOT of time walking back and forth between the two.

The tourist checklist

But I digress. The touristy stuff was near, so with the touristy stuff we shall begin. First up was the Cementario de la Recoleta, an absolutely massive and unbelievably gorgeous cemetery located smack dab in the middle of the city.

We spent a long time exploring its winding nooks and crannies. We found tombs dating as far back as 1876, and some as recent as 2016; some completely destroyed, others immaculately maintained; and all gorgeous in their own impressive way. It was, in a word, awesome, with an emphasis on "awe." I'd strongly recommend it.

Our next stop was the Museo Nacional de Bellas Artes, located just around the corner. Turns out we chose the right day to go: it was a national holiday, so entrance was free! It's worth mentioning that there was no half-hour wait to get in (*cough* Madrid *cough*).

Left: medieval mansplaining
Right: this outfit... doesn't really work anymore

The museum was more impressive than most. There was some solid variety, from Renaissance to modern times...

These butt-cracked me up

... including some originals from artists even I recognize...

"Van Gogh-K" and "Picasso-so"

... as well as an impressive variety of sculptures (including a TON of Rodin).

These two sculptures form a coherent narrative

During most of our visit, I was taking photos on the sly, a bit surprised by how many other guests were shamelessly doing the same... until I saw a sign that said taking photos was perfectly OK. At which point, of course, doing so lost its appeal.

At the end of the day we settled down to grab a beer and watch the sunset at the Buller Brewpub, located across the street from the cemetery. Their beer was meh, but the view was well worth it.

This second-story view gives you a sense for just how big the cemetery is

The next day we continued our touristy tour at the Jardín Botánico Carlos Thays. This guy you can skip: the greenhouses were pretty janky, you're not allowed to chill on the grass, and to add insult to injury, there was a massive line for the restroom just when I really had to go.

Soph demonstrating the position I SHOULD be in right now

Culinary delights in Villa Crespo

The tourist gods thusly appeased, we spent the second half of our stay exploring Villa Crespo. We chilled at some cute coffeeshops, checked out some craft breweries, and nom'd on some delicious steak almost every single night.

Some BA culinary staples: locro, empañadas, malbec, and STEAAAAAAK

We were pleasantly surprised by how inexpensive everything was. At a mid-tier restaurant (I'd recommend El Corralón), a bottle of wine goes for $8-$12 and a big hunk of steak goes for $12-$15. I assume things other than steak are also reasonably priced, but I didn't bother to find out.

Booze in Buenos Aires: like most cities these days, BA prides itself on having an "up-and-coming craft beer scene." And they ARE trying. The sad truth, however, is that - well, most of the beer just isn't very good. I can't tell you how many shitty IPAs I had to try before I grudgingly came to terms with the fact that I was better off just ordering a Sangria.

There's one shinning exception, though, and OH MY GOODNESS how it shines. Introducing: Strange Brewing. These guys have some of the chronest IPAs I've ever tasted, and some solid sours to boot. Turns out the brewery is founded by two Stanford graduates! Tip o' the 'ol hat, gentleman.

"Daddy, what does the logo of your brewery mean?"
"Well, son, when a dog and a raccoon really love each other..."

The undisputed best meal we had was at Don Julio Parrilla. It's in the "fancy" steakhouse category, but prices were still very reasonable - I think my steak was around $20.

Just make sure to get there early, because they don't accept reservations, and the walk-in wait list is LONG. Though it turns out that's quite OK, as this was one of the most pleasant waiting-for-your-table experiences we've ever had. First off: free all-you-can drink champagne.

Left: bottomless champagne. Right: feeling no pain.

I mean, the "second off" doesn't really even matter at this point, but I'll tell you anyway: free all-you-can-eat empañadas. By the time we were seated, this was, ounce-for-ounce (on both a food and a booze front), probably one of the cheapest meals we had all trip.

And OH MY GOD order the blood sausage. It is. The best. Thing. Ever.

Three parting observations

Observation one: the people of Buenos Aires love their dogs. People are walking dogs around day and night, and we ran into a few professional dog walkers leading straight-up herd-sized canine crews. We're talking 15 dogs per walker here: the pup clustter below is perhaps the puniest we saw.

I don't have any photos of platform shoes, so how about some mancheese?

Observation Two: the people of Buenos Aires are insane drivers. They don't give the flimsiest fuck about pedestrian right-of-way, stop signs, or parked cars, so walker beware.

Some clarification on that last point: one evening we walked by a driver trying to park their car in a spot that was VERY clearly much too small (middle photo above).

Not one to be thwarted by the unreasonable constraints of euclidean space, our determined driver simply pressed up against the parked car behind him and hit the gas - HARD - so as to push said car backwards. Rinse and repeat with the car in front, and then (why not?) give 'em both a few more bumps.

Once our clever driver was well and fully sandwiched in between, they walked out, helped the passenger take out a bag, reversed the procedure, and drove off.

In other words: THIS WAS ALL JUST TO DROP. SOMEONE. OFF.

And observation three: Argentinian woman are really, really, really into platform shoes. Either that, or its against the law to wear anything else, and this law - unlike any having to do with traffic - gets taken VERY seriously.

PS: There you go, Phil. Now Buenos Aires officially happened.

Adventure time in New Zealand

Queenstown

We arrived in Queenstown on a cold afternoon ready to start the "adventurous part" of our Australia / New Zealand segment. Think boats, bungees, and... hiking.

Can you think of another word for hiking that starts with a b? No, I didn't think so.

Needless to say, we got started right away on the closest adventure we could find.

This adventure is called "Beers with Books" at Smith's.

After a few more similar adventures, we ended up at a place overlooking the water and I proceeded to make up a song. Don't ask me about what or why, but it happened. Maybe it was about this giant kiwi?

After the first solid day of adventuring we hiked, yes hiked, back to our hotel at Revear's Lodge to call it a day.

Our second day's adventures were a little more of the normal variety. We hiked up the Ben Lomond mountain to get a better view of the city and sweat some of last night's adventures out. The way up was gorgeous and had stunning views of the water below.

The top, however, had a completely different type of view in store for us. Behold the beauty of Queenstown from 5,735 feet high.

We did make a friend at the top though. And by we, I mean Mirek. And by friend, I mean a shameless, vicious Kea Bird.

Seen here: Mirek and Kea having good and wholesome fun together. BFFs for life and all.

Seen here: Kea terrorizing me and trying to steal my glasses. DICK.

After finally convincing Mirek to leave his new friend, we decided lunch would be better enjoyed at the halfway point which presumably still had a view. We were right.

At the bottom of the hike, feeling tired and exhausted, we chose a better way down. LUGES!

We had to do this more than once as it was surprisingly fun. Five times, to be exact. And I won. Every race. Obviously.

Editor's note: if by "won" Soph means "got crushed" and by "every race" means "by Mirek, who was a goddamn speed demon," then yea. Soph won every race.

We ended the night at a nearby bar, Morrison's Irish Pub, where we watched the Warriors game and drank some Czech Pilsner.

Yep, we had a Czech beer at an Irish bar in New Zealand while watching American basketball. Chew on that for a bit.

We also enjoyed a fried kiwi on the way, because why not?

No, not the cute endangered bird, you heartless carnivore, you.

On the way home we stumbled upon an insane sunset by the lake, where we posted up to watch a dozen or so paragliders swoop and spin and they descended with the setting sun.

For our last day in Queenstown, we didn't have anything pre-planned. However, being that I love a good deal, I did some googling to see what we could possibly do for cheap.

If you ever visit New Zealand, use this website!

We were able to take a jet boat on the Frankton Arm with some amazing views of the Remarkables.

And of course, we topped off our adventures in Queenstown with a little KC Chiefs (shout-out my padre) and a brew.

Needless to say, we were excited to be 23 hours ahead and finally be in a time zone to watch some of the games.

Queenstown conquered. Bring on Auckland!

Auckland

Our first adventure in Auckland was more of an adventure for Mirek. "What will she do? What will I look like? Will I end up with a bowl cut?"

Left photo: During.
Right photo: After - not too shabby.

Our first full day in Auckland, we took a boat to Waiheke Island. It's an island comprised of over 30 wineries. We only got to visit 6.

I think we did something after this as well, but we don't have any photos, so did it really happen? Maybe we were too focused on what the next day would hold. Totally had nothing to do with the wine.

The next day it was time for our final New Zealand adventure: BUNGEE JUMPING!

Get ready, we're jumping off that bridge!

Given that this was Mirek and I's fourth time bungee jumping, we were both more excited than nervous. Okay, I was nervous, and Mirek wasn't, but at least I was also excited too!

First up: Mirek!

Shout-out to this bad-ass chick from AJ Hackett Bungee, who also happens to be named Sophie. She was a blast to work with, cracked jokes the whole time, and just overall made the experience so much better.

One cool thing about this jump location is that they can set the ropes up so that you can touch the water below. Mirek, obviously, wanted to touch the water. The resulting interaction went roughly like this:

Mirek: "I wanna touch the water."
Instructor Sophie: "Not gonna happen dude, tide's too low and you're too heavy."
Mirek: "Pretty pretty please, I wanna touch the ocean!"
Instructor Sophie: "How wet are you willing to get?"
Mirek: "Completely."
Instructor Sophie: "Let's do it."

I can confirm he did get. Completely. Wet.

Success, I guess?

Next up: me!

Given that this was not our first time jumping, they let us chose what jumps we wanted to do. I chose the "James Bond" - run, jump, and hand guns.

It was officially the coolest jump of the day... and I didn't even need to get wet.

That is, until a soaking Mirek insisted on this photo.

After the first jump, instructor Sophie asked if anyone wanted to go again. How could we say no?

Mirek's second jump was a backwards pencil. Apparetly this is the "scariest jump you can do," as you're not allowed to look down. Smile for the camera!

Oh, and it's a full body dunk. Head to toe. Or is it toe to head in this case?

For my second jump, I took a stab at the fall-backwards-and-touch-the-water jump. Fortunately, I was just the right weight, so I managed to just gracefully dip my hands.

It was sheer perfection. Let's take one more look:

Second coolest jump of the day, obviously.

New Zealand adventure: accomplished. I dare say we went out with a splash.

Lions and tigers and falls, oh my!

Hwange National Park

The start to Zimbabwe had us making our way to Sikumi Tree Lodge on the outskirts of Hwange National Park. Since we were the only guests there during our stay, we were able to enjoy the hospitality, nature, and private animal watering hole all on our own.

Tree houses for the win!

The lodge was wonderful, the food delicious, and the private game drive amazing. However, their pool was out of commission (you're really messing with my tan) and we (read: Mirek) got in trouble more than once for "touching" the refrigerator.

Mirek enjoying his reason for touching the fridge

Given that this was our moms' first time in Africa AND on a Safari, we were hoping to see as many animals as possible. So we donned our most "safari-esque" clothing, and headed out.

We blend right in... right?

Our first spot of the day? Just a family of giraffes munching away.

Followed by these bad boys...

Careful, Mirek. Don't want to get bit by a wild animal!

Still, the most widely seen animal of the day had to be Dumbo.

More to come from them later

By lunch time, we had been driving for about 4 hours and had seen a plethora of animals. However, the one our moms' most desired remained elusive. Where... are... the... LIONS!?

Our guide had been trying his best, talking to other guides, and following trails, but it was starting to feel like it might not happen for us. Sensing our despair, our trusty guide decided that park rules are only a suggestion and did a little off-roading... Cue the lions!

Jindra, pet the nice kitty

We followed them to a nearby watering hole, all the while enjoying our own celebratory drinks.

We brought our own watering hole

While the game drive might have been over, the animal viewing party was definitely not. That evening, our lodge's watering hole was visited by some cute little monkeys, herds of buffaloes, a mama lion and her cubs, and the star of the show... some very excited elephants.

Mom, why is that one elephant on top of the other?

Male elephants, mind you. I guess practice makes perfect?

After a relaxing few days, it was time to say goodbye to Sikumi and hello to Victoria Falls.

Victoria Falls

Victoria Falls was one of the highlights of our time in Africa. None of us expected how incredibly big and beautiful it would be. And since a picture is worth a thousand words, we'll let them talk.

Mirek saw a spider and got scared

He was so happy I saved him, he took a photo to appreciate still being alive

There is so much spray coming up off the waterfall that the surrounding area is completely lush and green.

The moms were not big fans of the massive ledge... or the fact that I put my leg over the "fence".

But after a while, everyone got a little closer to the edge. The view was just too good to pass up.

A+ for you, Victoria.

Drum Party!

That evening we ended up at a restaurant with a drum party. The Kuklas and Dyers like to dance, so this was a natural next step. Upon entering the restaurant, you're handed a sarong and greeted by dancers. I'm not sure if you are supposed to join in, but we did.

Mirek ate a worm, twice...

... and I'm pretty sure Mirek and Jindra single handedly finished this lamb.

Obligatory cute mom photo

We capped off the night with some drums and a show.

This guy was LOVING it

The Devil's Pool

Our last activity in Zimbabwe was technically in Zambia - two stamps, one plane.

At certain times of the year, when the water is low enough, you can take a boat to the ledge of the falls... and look over. We obviously had to do this. However, as Jindra had had her share of extreme water activities in Uganda, she decided to sit this one out.

On our way to the launch off point, we entered a hotel that has its own animals on the property. Here, we met this guy.

After a quick boat ride and a short swim, you come to the edge...

... aaaaaand look over.

Success!

After successfully not dying, we enjoyed an all-inclusive meal (read: all you can drink), where we definitely got our money's worth.

Zimbabwe and Zambia, with your nature, your animals, and even your micro-brewery (don't ask for photographic evidence): you did not disappoint. Now if you could just have cash in your ATMs next time, that would be greaaaat.

Side note: Zimbabwe is currently going through an economic crisis, and as of our visit, there was not a single functioning ATM in the country. If you don't bring any cash in with you, you're screwed. So if you plan to go to Zimbabwe anytime soon - which we highly recommend you do - make sure to bring some with you.

They stole our hearts without having to utter a word

Ujamma Hostel and Volunteering

As part of our year off, Mirek and I wanted to spend some time volunteering. We didn't know exactly what we wanted to do, but we knew we didn't want to pay some organization $2,000 to "get to" volunteer. A lot of the volunteering organizations you'll find online are, more than anything else, concerned with capitalizing on rich foreigners' itch to help, and that's not what we were looking for.

So I did a little research and was lucky enough to find a place that would be both our home and our faciliator for volunteering - Ujamma Hostel. The place had amazing reviews, gave us breakfast and dinner every day, and didn't have any sketchy "volunteering fees." It didn't hurt that it was in Arusha, which meant we wouldn't have to buy another flight after hiking Mount Kilimanjaro.

View of the courtyard connecting the halfs of the hostel

Gasper, the owner of the hostel, actually used to work for another volunteering "facilitator" that operated off of "mandatory volunteering donations" that never actually made their way to the orphanages and schools themselves. It turns out this is the very reason he started Ujamma Hostel in the first place.

Arrival to Ujamma

Gasper kindly agreed to pick us up from our hotel, showed us our room, and introduced us to Evans. Over the next two days, Evans would take us to visit 5 different sites so that we could choose which organization we wanted to work with. Evans would also prove to be our guide for using Dala Dalas (Arusha's take on public transportation), awesome outdoor adventures, and some dankity dank food.

Enter the dankity dank food

We also met some of our fuzzy housemates for the coming weeks. Meet Nalla and her friends (no, we can't remember the other one's names, and yes, Nalla is the only one that matters).

While extremely adorable and lovable as they were, Nalla really, really, enjoyed barking at all hours of the night. I'm pretty sure if we had stayed a couple more nights, Mirek would have had to inform everyone that she had "gone missing."

After settling into our rooms, it was time to go check out the various volunteer sites. First, however, Evans needed to teach us how to take a Dala Dala. Dala Dala's are privately held minivans that are painted various colors that indicate the route. They traditionally come with someone sticking their head out the window, yelling out destinations, and hustling HARD to find some passengers.

I'm also pretty sure there is a competition to see who can fit the most people in one van. During the mid-day lull, vans will literally fight over your business and attempt to pull you into their car.

I think the most people we ever counted in one of our vans was 28. It was a little crowded, to say the least.

Dala Dala "yeller" dude repping those Oregon Ducks!

The most memorable of the sites we toured that day (but didn't end up picking) was an orphanage that cared for children between the ages of 0 and 3. After getting a tour, we joined them for play time. I bonded with one little boy who absolutely refused to be set down (cue the crying), while Mirek found himself a mini entourage.

Needless to say, it was hard to leave

I truly felt that this could be a place I could spend the next couple of weeks. However, by the end of the day, having visited the remaining sites (all of which were schools), Mirek and I both knew where we wanted end up.

Mornings at Shule Yetu

We settled on a school called Shule Yetu, which translates to "Our School" in Swahili. It was a perfect fit because during the day they taught children ages 4 - 6, while in the afternoon they provided adult education classes for the community. It was an ideal way to connect and interact with a wide range of people in a short amount of time.

On Shule Yetu's Mission: Shule Yetu, which is situated in one of the poorer parts of Arusha, was founded to help children from poor, single-parent, or abusive households. Amos told us that the school's mission is as much to create a safe, joyful place where kids can "just be kids" as it is to prepare the children for further education.

Left: the school courtyard, which doubles up as the place for cooking, dancing, and running "science experiments." Three classrooms are attached.
Right: the teachers and principal.

The principal, Amos, was extremely excited when we told him we wanted to spend our next two weeks volunteering at Shule Yetu. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that Mirek informed him of his computer prowess and the school had quite a backlog of "computer issues."

Time to meet the kids!

Yes, this is your greeting every morning, and your goodbye every afternoon.

So, what does it mean to be a "volunteer" here? When we told Amos we wanted to help out, we thought we would be helping the teachers run lessons, tutoring individual students, and otherwise serving as assistants. What actually happened is perhaps best illustrated by our first interaction with Amos.

Us: "So Amos, we think we'd like to spend our next two weeks here!"
Amos: "Oh wow! That is great news! We are so happy. Okay then, 'Mirowec' (sic), what do you like to teach?"
Mirek: "Well, I like science, math, and computers."
Amos: "Oh wonderful! And Sophia, what do you like to teach?"
Sophia: "I enjoy teaching about emotions, math, and english."
Amos: "Oh, so great! Okay, Sophia, you will be in classroom 1 teaching emotions, and Mirek, you will be in classroom 3 teaching math!"
(Yes, he was this unflinchingly enthusiastic the whole two weeks.)

We were then shown to our individual classrooms, introduced to the children (who sang us a cute "Welcome Song"), and handed a piece of chalk.

With chalk in hand, no lesson plan, and knowing only that snack time is a full hour and a half away, this is your view. Start teaching already!

Yep, you got it. Every day, for two weeks, we came to the school and were responsible for running the show. Since the children only spoke Swahili, the teacher would try to translate for us... some of the time.

That first day we taught separately. Mirek focused on math, and I spent the day drawing various emotion faces on the board, having the children try to mimic the faces, and struggling to know if anything was making sense. The language barrier made running the show solo hard. By the end of the day we realized we would be better off teaching classes together. Amos enthusiastically (how else?) agreed.

Given the language barrier, we soon realized we'd need to think outside the box. Enter Science Experiments!

We started off running various "experiments" involving balloons. Our thin hair made a great conduit for static electricity, and the kids loved being able to rub a balloon all over our heads. We made some balloon powered rockets, built some string telephones, and otherwise tried to make the most of whatever we could find in the local minimart.

Apparently the experiments were a hit, because from that point on, whenever we told Amos it would be a "science" day, he'd rush out to collect all 3 classes and pile them into one room, where we'd end up teaching the entire school.

Our other steady subjects were English and math (you wouldn't believe how enthusiastic they were to practice addition).

The kids would often grace us with some singing and dancing, and you better believe they expected Mirek and I to return the favor!

A few times during our stay it rained so hard that to get to school you had to trek through a veritable river of mud. We thought that maybe class would get canceled.

Not a chance. School runs rain, shine, or mudslide... deal with it, pansy.

It's worth mentioning that all of these children are there voluntarily, as they are not yet required to attend school. Yes, these tiny 4 - 6 year olds WANT to come to school. It was awesome to see how excited everyone was to participate: ask the class a question and every single hand will shoot up. Half the kids will have no idea what the question was, much less the answer, but you better believe they want to figure it out!

Also, almost all of the kids walk themselves to school and back each day, some having to take multiple Dala Dala's to do so.

If you're walking home in the same direction, be prepared to hold hands 'till the last possible moment!

On our last day with the little ones, we decided to do a SUPER BIG SCIENCE EXPERIMENT! We took all the students to the front of the school, where we ran a dramatic mentos-and-soda experiment. It was an explosive hit.

Who knew mentos and soda could bring such immense joy... to Mirek

Afternoons at Shule Yetu

Where our mornings were spent with little the ones, our afternoons were spent with computers and the adult community members. When I say "adult," I mean anyone from the ages of 12 to infinity. Basically, if you want to learn about computers, English, sewing, or really anything, they encourage you to come.

Mirek made friends with a man named Samson and helped him navigate the world of Excel. I met three girls who wanted to learn the proper way to type on a computer, which led to a request for a 2 hour English lesson a few days later. I'm not ashamed to say there was a lot of acting things out, and google translate was a close friend.

It was great to come into the computer area one day and find Samson explaining the prior day's Excel lesson to another student.

One evening, we even gave an impromptu Excel lesson to about 10 people from the community. And when we weren't teaching, Mirek fixed almost every single computer in the school. When we came, there was only one working computer. Once we left, there were four. I served as computer assistant, helping unplug and replug things back in. Needless to say, my job was very, very important.

Arusha Outside of School

While our days were filled with teaching, we also managed to fit in a few adventures. As mentioned before, Evans was an amazing host. Over one of the weekends he called up a buddy of his who graciously agreed to take us to Kikuletwa / Chemka Hot Springs - for a fee, of course. It was worth it!

On our way we picked up a some brews and snapped a few epic tree pics.

It didn't take long to get to the hot springs, and we were not disappointed. It was truly beautiful.

Would he even be Mirek if he didn't drink a beer while in the hot springs?

Mirek also managed to get a free spa treatment, and we dined on some delicious "mbuzi" (aka "goat").

Mirek dropped his phone in the water trying to take this picture. Fail.

The following day, Evans took us on a nearby hike to a waterfall on the edge of Arusha National Park.

At this point we'd been without running water for 3 days (this wasn't just a problem at our hostel, but something that affected most of the houses in the area). So, as you can imagine, Mirek desperately needed to shower.

This was Mirek's much needed shower.

I, of course, am a delicate flower and give off a blissful aroma at all times, and thus saw no need to get wet.

Ok, ok... don't worry. The water was back on when we got to the hostel and I showered then. I'm not an animal.

On our last day, our flight was very delayed, and we weren't slated to leave until 2:30am. We spent one last day exploring the city...

... and I was able to finish one of the hardest... puzzles... ever. Seriously. This thing took me the entire two weeks.

Do you see how many pieces are missing!? Trust me, it was hard.

Parting Thoughts

Thinking back on our time there, I am honestly amazed and so grateful for the experience. Leaving was harder than I imagined it would be. I didn't realize how much I would come to love and care for the children and people there, even without being able to communicate verbally with most of them.

The respect, compassion, and joy that each person exudes is contagious. People I had never met knew my name and would say hello on the street, all because they knew the children we were working with.

Though not to Mirek, his name's too hard - why does it have to end with a K!?

At the end of two weeks, we were part of a community. Amos still messages us today, limitless enthusiasm intact ("MIREK AND SOPHIA HOW ARE YOU!!!!")

If you are thinking about a volunteer opportunity, we would highly recommend Arusha and Ujamma hostel. It was an experience that tugs at my heart strings even as I type.

The crew killed Kili before Kili killed the crew

Overview of our daily routine

By the start of day 4, we had a fairly consistent routine. Our guides would wake us up around 6AM, at which point we'd get dressed, pack our bags...

Most of us got dressed before packing our bags

... and go grab a BIG 'ol breakfast.

I wonder who ended up with Matthew's facepubes in their toast

We'd start our hike around 7AM, daypack in tow, while the porters stayed behind to pack up the the rest of camp.

Most days we hiked for around 4-5 hours. The porters would catch up with us about an hour in, veritably flying by, despite carrying at least 5 times the weight of our daypacks.

Left: bad-ass. Right: fat-ass.

We'd usually stop for a snack break about mid-way through and get into camp just in time for lunch.

Looks like Matthew is especially hungry

All of our meals were served by our main man Jamali (Jamali Jamali Jamali), and every time he walked in into the mess tent (and I mean every time), we'd drop whatever we were doing and launch into a Jamali-themed beat-box jam.

"JAMALIN' JAMALIN' JAMA JAMALIN' JAMALIN' JAMA"
"Everyday I'm Jamalin', every day I'm Jamalin'"

Lunch (as well as dinner) always started with some super dank soup, and involved waaaaay more food than the 5 of us could finish.

Not shown here: a massive pot of soup and an equally large plate of meat

After lunch we'd have a couple hours to chiiiiill. We'd nap, play frisbee, read, work on crossword puzzles, and otherwise just kick it.

Nappin', readin', frisbee succeedin'

We'd generally hit up the mess tent as soon as it started getting dark, around 6ish, at which point dinner was served ("Everyday I'm Jamalin', every day I'm Jamalin'").

Some meal-time trends include: 1) Jandro using ALL OUR GODDAMN HOTSAUCE, 2) Isaac eating WAAAAY more than his fair share of peanut butter, and 3) at least one person pulling a Phil spill.

And by "at least one person" I mean "Jandro"

Soon after dinner, our three guides would come in to debrief us on the next day's climb: where we're going, how long it will take, and what to wear. They'd measure our heartrates and blood oxygen levels.

But mostly, they'd just ramble along while we tried not to giggle, 'cause they'd invariably be really, really, really, high.

Left: Dixon trying reaaaal hard to remember what he was just saying
Right: Matthew feeling pretty damn skeptical about the last shuffle

After that it was cards, cards, and more cards. Matthew taught us how to play hearts and cribbage, Isaac taught us how to suck at them, and Jandro did us all a favor by covering his head with the asshole helmet for the majority of "presidents and assholes."

There was always a porter outside on guard while we were in the mess tent

Most nights we hit the hay around ten, ready to do it all over again.

Day 4: Dipping into the nausea zone

On day four we made our first significant dip up above the 13,000 foot "altitude sickness barrier." We started at Shira 2 Camp (12,800 feet), made a steep climb up to Lava Tower Camp (15,190 feet), and came back down to Barranco Camp (13,000 feet). Such "acclimatization hikes" help build up your altitude tolerance.

Left: expectations. Right: reality.

The way up to Lava Tower was a pretty steep climb. Soph's headache started getting worse, but otherwise, we still felt pretty good.

So many ways to count to 4!

Feeling pretty stoked we weren't feeling very shitty, we ran around, took some pictures, and played some frisbee.

Indisputably the cutest picture of the trip

It didn't take long to get tired, though, and eventually the altitude started creeping in.

Getting a liiiiiittle sleepy...

The altitude hits everyone a bit differently. For Isaac and Soph it took the form of a headache. I found myself not having much of an appetite. All in all, though, we still felt surprisingly good, and it says something that our guides were genuinely stoked nobody was vomiting. Seriously. They were legitimately impressed.

... aaaaaand he's gone

After lunch we bombed back down, all the way to Barranco Camp (13,000 feet).

Enthusiasm's back, bitches!

The views that night were especially stunning. The lower-level clouds receded, revealing distant cities glowing in the fog below.

Day 5: Leaping through the clouds

We woke up the next morning to pristine blue skies, with not a cloud covering Kili.

"Alright Jandro, for this one, try to age by like 25 years"

It'd now been 5 days since some of that sweet nectar of the gods commonly known as beer had graced our lips, so we had ourselves a little brewery-themed photo shoot.

West siiiiiide! Isaac reppin' Santa Barbara's Night Lizard Brewing

Ahhh, you could almost smell the hops.

East siiiiide! Jandro hits back with Knoxville's Crafty Bastard Brewing

Almost. But not quite, because it was pretty much impossible to smell anything other the stench of four bros not changing their t-shirts for an entire week.

The solo t-shirt challenge: no bro was allowed to change their t-shirt for the entire duration of the climb. Soph appealed and was grudgingly granted an exception.

Both breweries actually ended up using our pictures on their social media pages. We even ended up getting a few free beers out of it.

Thanks Tim, I needed that

Our main ascent of the day was a crazy steep scramble up the Barranco Wall. Let's just say there's a reason they call it a "wall." Don't look down!

Jandro's like 15% faking it

At the top of the wall we were treated to one of the tastiest views of the trip, and you better believe we went ham on some snaps.

It's the ciiiiiiiircle of liiiiiiife...

Our guide, who didn't realize there was a lower ledge here, looked up just as Matthew jumped and just about crapped his pants

Ninja kicks to cool off!

"Hey Mirek can I do this to your balls?"

"Oh fa sho, as hard as you can bro!"

"NAILED 'EM!"

Soph would like you to know she jumped early and is totes on her way down

The rest of the day's hike was pretty flat and uneventful. Unless, I suppose, you're a die-hard panda fan, because pretty much every single photo I have between now and camp involves a panda.

Bear bros unite!

The unBearable lightness of being

The saddest of pandas

Before long we arrive at Karanga Camp (13,000 feet), where we'd spend our last night before sprinting up into the nausea zone.

We spent the afternoon running around and playing pushup frisbee, marveling at how easily you get winded at this altitude. The rules of the game are as follows:

Step 1: find a frisbee, a steep rocky slope, and some dirty ground covered with the waste of a thousand climbers (that last part is really important).
Step 2: fling the firsbee between bros until someone screws up.
Step 3: the culprit has to do as many pushups (in the dirt) as there were preceding successful throws.
Step 4: don't wash your hands and go eat a bucketful of popcorn.

It's a game that's fun in and of itself, but for the real reward, you'll have to wait until nighttime.

The last bit of beauty before the great expulsion

Day 6: BBBLLLLEEEEEUUUUURRRRRGGGGHHHHH

That night Soph and I were treated to a cacophony of sound so immense it could be heard from faraway in space space space. Because the final rule of pushup frisbee is:

Step 5: spend the evening in a rotation of retching, fiery feculence, and writhing wretchedness.

Isaac kicked things off around 10PM, just as I was drifting off to sleep. I was startled to attention by the sound of a frantically torn zipper, followed promptly by a deeply demonic HLEEAAHHHurkurkBLLEAAHH <cough> <gulp> HUURGGEHH!

About an hour in, Mathew made it a duet, chiming in with his own brand of primal vom-song, and not long thereafter, Jandro's fomo got the best of him. Before long all three weak-stomached bros were firing away, employing every orifice, filing the air with a slew of sounds and stinks so vile you'd have to be there to believe.

The bros reminisce about their evening

Both Soph and I slept like babies, and we're still not quite sure what happened.

Was it altitude sickness? Possibly - these are exactly the symptoms you'd expect, and we're at exactly the place to expect it. Then again, we'd been at the same altitude for 3 days now, and to have all 3 bros snap at once?

Was it the pushup frisbee? Possibly - slurping dirt off the latrine-lathered slopes of Kili could definitely do you in. Soph and I didn't use our slope-soiled hands to eat any popcorn, which might explain our good health. On the other hand, it's not like everyone took turns doing pushups atop the same turd.

Perhaps most realest picture of the trip

Either way, day 6 SUCKED for said wussy bros. Fortunately, we only had about 3 miles to climb.

Smile for the photo... HLEEAAHHHurkurkBLLEAAHH!!!!!

Unfortunately, those 3 miles were mostly spent going vertical. Eventually we made it to the delightfully-named Barafu Camp (15,200 feet).

So happy to make it! Just look at those shit-eating grins

Here we would spend a few short hours feeling queasy and trying to nap. We ate an early dinner and tried to get to sleep around 5PM, since we'd be "waking up" just a few hours later to make our final push.

Day 7: Icing on the Kili-cake

We "woke up" at 11PM that evening to start the final ascent. There are two main reasons for doing things this way. Firstly, there are no camps situated higher up, and there's still a LONG ways to go. It's best to do most of it in the wee hours of the morning, while it's still nice and cool.

The mortal combat theme is fitting. FINISH HIM!

More important, however, is reason number two: by the time you get to the top, you'll be feeling like an altitude addled ballsack, so its best to push through the pain as fast as you can.

Props to Matthew's camera: it was pretty much pitch black right here

It's about 6 miles from Barafu to the top of Kili. We were going craaaazy slow, but we didn't stop very often, and actually ended up passing about two dozen other groups.

Just follow the space panda

We spent about 5 of those hours trekking in the dark, and the sun started rising just as we crested the main ridge.

"And thus the fellowship climbed ever higher, steadfast and resolute..."

At this point you're surrounded by year-round ice and snow, and you're so far up above the clouds that it feels like you're surrounded by snowfields as far as the eye can see.

Isaac lost the space panda

The sunrise was breathtaking. It felt like we were on the frozen surface of a faraway planet, watching a cold sun rising a galaxy and a half away.

Cuteness for days

We walked like this for another hour or so, slowly climbing up along the ridge, until suddenly...

Jandro and Sanka: a kindled passion, ready to ignite...

... we were there. We'd made it to Uhurua Peak (19,341 feet), the highest point in Africa, and the top of the tallest free-standing mountain in the world.

Consider. Kili. Conquered.

Bathing in exuberance, we ran around yelling like madmen, and I took advantage of the chaos to snag Jandro's panda hat. This I laid down on the ground, using it to cover up an especially nice patch of... ice.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That is correct. We flew a Smirnoff Ice from the US to Tanzania, shlepped it for six days up the slopes of Kilimanjaro, and served it to our favorite Mexican at 19,340 feet.

The fastest recorded ascent of Kili is 4h 56m by Karl Egloff, in 2014.

The oldest recorded climber is 86 year old Angela Vorobyova, in 2015.

And the only recorded icing at the top of Kili is of Alejandro Ortega, in 2018.

This was, in fact, the first sip of booze Jandro'd had in about a month, and it would prove to be the nudge of liquid courage he needed to make his blooming bromance with Sanka Facebook official^®.

The ballad of Jandro and Sanka: although Isaac was our group's undisputed African dude magnet, Sanka and Jandro had something special from the start.

It started innocently enough. "Sanka!" Jandro would cry. "Teach me something in Swahili!" Sanka would smile, eyes brimming with affection, and whisper softly in Jandro's ear: "mambo ne kulana-tu."

It escalated quickly. That night it was Jandro's turn in the solo-tent. We went to bed at the usual time and awoke no earlier than normal. And yet, the next day, Jandro could barely keep his eyes open. Slept terribly, he'd say. Think nothing of it. The muffled grunts from the night before? A bear, surely. His eyes would dart nervously, here, there, to Sanka's tent and back... think nothing of it. Just a big 'ol African bear.

And so it went, day after day, sleepless night after sleepless night. Did they think we did not know? Or perhaps they feared to break the spell that held their searing souls a'twist? Who can say what haunts the harried hearts of merging men.

The elation of a successful summit, heightened by a healthy buzz, finally cracked the dam of denial. "Sanka," said Jandro. "I can no longer hide my love for thee. I want thee. I NEED thee. Take my hand, and never let me go."

And so Sanka took hold of Jandro's hand, and the two ran down the mountain, hand in hand, heart to heart, and never once looked back.

Alright, maybe that's not exactly how it happened, but you get the generally idea. Turns out Jandro was hiking Kili with a torn meniscus, which isn't really an issue going up, but can be quite painful when going down.

After we summited, then, I told Sanka about Jandro's knee and told him we'd have to take it slow. Sanka had a different solution. He ran off, fetched one of the other porters, and the two of them lifted Jandro by the shoulders and veritably sprinted him down the hill and all the way back to camp.

At this point our two lovebirds are back and cuddling at camp

It took us just under two hours to descend. We made it back to camp around lunchtime, where we ate, rested for an hour or two, and had a mustache competition.

"The Sanka slayer"

"Still thinking of Barak"

"Soon to be single"

Keep in mind that at this point we'd been awake since 11PM the night before, and had been hiking up - and down - a crazy steep slope pretty much every moment in between. Surely we're done for the day... right?

Hahahaha foolish mzungu! You still have 5 miles to go. Day six is a total bitch.

Enthusiasm SLIGHTLY waning

We eventually made it to Trek Mweka Camp (10,171 feet), feeling pretttttty damn beat. There we ("we") spent the rest of the afternoon working out our tip allocation.

Tipping guidelines: tipping is an integral part of the porters' pay and is very much expected, so come prepared with cash. General guidelines are:
- Porters: $8 - $10 per day
- Cook: $10 - $15 per day
- Guides: $20 - $25 per day

Bring a little extra, though, because I guarantee you'll want to give a little more. Trust me: you'll never be more stoked to tip anyone in your life. These guys earn every cent. We budgeted about $400 per person and ended up tipping about $2,200 as a group.

PS: Popote did a great job navigating the tipping process in a professional manner. There was no pressure, no awkwardness, no putting us on the spot. They just gave us a list of names and roles, asked us to write down our desired allocation, and divied up the resulting sum on our behalf. Very chill.

Allocating tips to a 23 man crew in multiple currencies like a boss

We crashed pretty much right after dinner. And by "we" crashed, I mean "all the bros" crashed, because about an hour or two later... HLEEAAHHHurkurkBLLEAAHH!!!!!

That's right: it was Soph's turn to catch the black plague, and she spent the night bouncing between toilet and tent, both escape hatches gainfully employed. Who needs sleep, anyway?

As with the bros, though altitude sickness is the likely explanation, the timing is kinda off. Why would it hit now, hours after our descent, situated as we were well below the nausea zone? Either way: hit it did. Oof.

Day 8: Time to celebrate... TIMES THREE!

The next day we woke up feeling pretty beat. Our porters, on the other hand, were spring-chicken spry, and that final morning we were treated to another epic song-and-dance serenade.

JANDROOOOOO YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER LET GOOOOO!

It was an awesome sendoff. We nominated Jandro to give a speech, and he eloquently expressed our heartfelt thanks. It was a touching moment and a poignant goodbye.

Thank you, homeboys, each and every one

Our final leg was a fairly chill 5-6 miles descent through the jungle, and it didn't take us long to make it to the finish line.

"Genghis awoke, peeked out of his hermit hole, and sniffed the morning air...

Big Swingin' Dixon (the stick) came through big on the final half-mile. Soph was starting to slip into a walking coma, so I fashioned her a chair of sorts and carried her down the final stretch.

OMG so manly

We finally made it down to Mweka Gate (5,348 feet), feeling beat but blissful.

I think Soph and Jandro are at opposite ends of the beat / blissful spectum

Here we held a sendoff ceremony for Big Swingin' Dixon (let the record show that Jandro's ugly face still owes me $50), signed the guestbook, and hopped onto the bus.

Must...

... throw...

... STICK!!!!

On the way back we convinced Dixon to stop at his homeboy's pad to buy us some homebrew banana beer. Aparently this is the local drink of choice, and after a week of not drinking, it was starting to sound prettttty damn dank.

Their brewing system involved - I kid you not - this rusty old car battery

The banana beer was... well.... super weird. And though it was fun to try, it soon became clear it wouldn't be our intoxicant of choice for the evening.

The final goodbye... Isaac, show some damn respect

We arrived at the hotel feeling REAAAAAALLY thirsty. At least, those of us that'd slept during the prior 48 hours did: Soph finally started feeling better, so she hit the hay pretty much on arrival, though only after making me promise I'd drink an extra beer or two on her behalf.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!!!!!

The rest of the evening played out pretty much exactly as you'd expect. We completely exhausted our hotel's stash of 2 different beer brands, Matthew stomped on his laundry in the shower, etc etc.

No, there was not enough time for the laundry to dry out, and yes, Matthew's bag smelled like a mating ground for mold for the the next few days

The grand finale, however, was yet to come. Awed by Matthew's inspired adulting (laundry, bro!), we decided he'd be best suited to take care of our dinner order.

I'm pleased to report that he did not disappoint. As best we can tell, the subsequent interaction went something like this:

Matthew: "So, we'd like, uh, some steak bits, a salad, a pizza, some fried rice, and some chicken nuggets.
Waitress: "Got it. One of each?"
Matthew: "Uh, I have no idea what you're saying. It's food for three."
Waitress: "Uh, what? You want THREE? Like, of EACH???
Matthew: "Yea, totally. Three. Tres. THREEEEEEE."

About 75 hours later, our food started coming out. And kept coming out. AND KEPT COMING OUT. You see, Matthew literally TRIPPLED our order. We still have no idea exactly how said ordering interaction went down, but I bet the kitchen staff had a good ROFL at the four drunk bros who ordered 21 different dishes.

"Dudes, don' even worry, I gots this order COVVVVVVERED"

And that, ladies and gentleman, brings us to the conclusion of a two-part blog post that probably took longer to write than Kili did to climb. Over and out.

PHOTO DISCLOSURE: pretty much all the (good) photos in this post are courtesy of SkinnyFatNatz Photography

The Kili conquerors begin their climb

Planning and Preparation

To climb Kilimanjaro, you have to hire a company to guide you up the mountain. As in, you're not even allowed to go by yourself. So step one is to find a company to take you up. Additionally, there are a number of different routes you can take, and each route can be done in a variable number of days. Step two, then, is to decide on a route, as well as the number of days you want to dedicate to the climb.

We did a bunch of research, reached out to a number of companies, and eventually decided on doing the 8-day Lemosho route with Popote Adventures.

If by "we did a bunch of research" you mean "Jandro reached out to some swanky acquaintances who recommended glam climbs that cost upwards of $5000, prompting Mirek to apply his ninja research skills and find Popote at less than half the price," then yea. We did a bunch of research.

OK, OK, props to Jandro for getting the ball rolling and continuing to push it forward. Jandro is good at balls.

The Lemosho route involves 8 days of hiking, so 7 nights sleeping on the mountain.

Note all the shorter, non-Lemosho routes, shown in gray

The total distanced traversed is 43 miles, and the expected time hiking clocks in at around 40-50 hours. Note that, on average, this means that it takes more than one hour to walk a single mile. Expect to hear a LOT of "polepole" ("poh-leh poh-leh"). No hurry, mon.

A lot of time is spent getting acclimated at around 13,000 feet (raw data)

Also note that the total up-and-down distance adds up to 29,900 feet, and that doesn't include any of the acclimatization hikes or terrain in between. Which is to say: "polepole" will do just fine.

Why Popote? First, at $1960 per person, they were reasonably priced. We were on a budget, and this was the cheapest pricing I could find that didn't dip into sketchy territory. Second, Popote has a ton of terrific reviews on TripAdvisor, giving us confidence that they're the real deal.

Why the 8 day Lemosho route? To maximize the odds everyone makes it to the top. Turns out large percentage of climbers don't due to altitude sickness. The longer you climb, the more time there is to acclimate, the more likely you'll make it.

A few days make a big difference. The summit success rate for 5-day routes is 27%, whereas for 8-day routes it jumps up to 85%. The aggregate success rate is estimated to be between 45% and 65% (source).

SPOILER ALERT: we absolutely loved Popote, and would most emphatically recommend both Popote and the 8-day Lemosho route.

Day 1: And so it begins

Our Kilimanjaro climb officially kicked off early Monday morning. We paid the remainder of our dues, rented some last-minute gear, and climbed on a bus packed with the 22 bros that were to constitute our Kili-climb caravan.

The crew meets the crew

No joke: the Popote crew consisted of 18 porters, 3 guides, and 1 cook. It takes a veritable village to take you to the top, and every single one of these homeboys hustle so that your altitude-addled ass can ascend without hassle.

Last beer and mboozi ("goat") before the great prohibition

The drop-off point was a 2-3 hour drive away. We made a quick pit stop along the way at an OG local restaurant, where we nom'd on some goat and snuck in a few last-minute beers.

We were also treated to a hilarious scene where our head guide, Big Swingin' Dixon, threateningly raised his sugarcane beatstick at a drunk buddy of his who was getting lippy. Dixon don't fuck around. We knew then we were in good hands.

Left: Big Swingin' Dixon swinging his big... stick
Right: JAMALI JAMALI JAMALI JAMALI

We eventually arrived at the Londorossi Gate, where our climb began in earnest.

Who's stoked to climb some Kili!? THESE GUYS!!

Veritably bursting with energy, we hit the trail and... found ourselves crawling along at a tectonic one-mile-per-hour pace. Pause for a moment to think about that. Normally a mile takes you about 20 minutes to walk. Ours were taking 60 minutes. I'm pretty sure continental plates move faster than that.

This is actually a video. Stare at it for a while to get a sense for our pace.

I'm guessing our guides were trying to gauge our level of fitness, and otherwise trying to set expectations. At higher altitudes, going this slow is a must.

"Thinking of Barak"

And to be honest, it was nice to chill and take in the scenery: we saw a few monkeys, learned about some of the flora, and I found an awesome walking stick we named "Big Swingin' Dixon."

The Big Swingin' Dixon challenge: Jandro, unbidden, said he'd pay me $50 if I managed to lug the stick all the way up to the top of Kili and back down. Challenge accepted, my foolish amigo!

This is the SECOND-best monkey pic of the trip. Just you wait.

We arrived at Mti Mkubwa Camp (altitude: 8694 feet) just as it was getting dark, our sleeping tents setup, or dining tent prepared, and dinner already cooking. Porter crew FTW.

Left: stepping aside so our porters can sprint ahead
Right: "we're so badass for carrying a tiny daypack for 5 whole miles!"

We ate dinner in big a green mess tent, which would serve as our evening chillspot every night after the sun went down.

"According to my calculations we have about... 7 days left"

Our homeboy Yula, the WC Overlord, even gave us a demonstration of how to use our private toilet (on the right is your public alternative).

Matthew's just pouting 'cause he thought he'd get a private demonstration

Before tucking us in, our guides told us to make sure to wear our headlamps whenever we wake up at night to go pee, otherwise we might get, you know, shot.

Sidenote on getting shot: Mti Mkubwa Camp is still fairly close to civilization, and a decade or so ago were problems with locals sneaking up at night and stealing stuff from hikers' tents. The park dealt with the issue by posting up a bunch of dudes with machine guns, who now patrol around at night - presumably shooting anyone without a headlamp.

Corollary takeaway for locals: if you wanna sneak up and steal shit at Mti Mkubwa Camp, be sure to bring a headlamp.

Day 2: The Mzungu Kichaa

Fortunately, we all had headlamps, so no one got shot - especially not Jandro. Fearful of facing our gun toting guardians, he took midnight matters into his own hands, whipped his own weapon through a slim crack in the tent...

It was a very, very small crack

... aaaaand proceeded to pee all over his tent.

Isaac: "Dude I totally dare you to dip your shoelaces in your own urine"
Jandro: "Done"

Our messy Mexican continued his campaign of liquid liability the very next morning, when he spilled a mug-full of coffee on the tarp carrying all our packed bags.

Left: Jandro embracing his role as Phil-for-the-day
Right: just 'cause we're climbing Kili doesn't mean we can't look cute

The potty humor prize of the day, however, went to Matthew. Never one to be outdone on fecal matters - and perhaps still upset he never got his private tour - Matthew decided to forgo the toilet tent...

Left: cute group photo in front of the toilet tent!
Right: Matthew's still pouting

... in favor of soiling the soil of the woods.

Judging by his expression, this was an exceptionally enjoyable experience

Day two was another chill 5-mile / 2,000 foot jaunt. The first half of the climb had us continuing on through the rainforest, though before long we were up in the Heather-Moorland Zone.

Aside on climate zones: Kilimanjaro spans 5 distinct climate zones
1 - Cultivated Zone (<6000ft): farmland and villages
2 - Rainforest Zone (<9000ft): if you guessed 'rainforests', high-five!
3 - Heather-Moorland Zone (<13000ft): brushland and large temp swings
4 - Alpine Desert Zone (<16000ft): volcanic rock and altitude sickness
5 - Arctic Zone (>1600ft): snow, glaciers, total badasses

The tall trees started thinning out, and soon we were surrounded by miles and miles of shrubs. The views were starting to get epic. We paused at a particularly scenic clearing to take a break and went on a photo frenzy.

Left: chewing on nuts. Right: sucking on... water.

THIS is the best monkey picture of the trip

This only being day 2 of our climb, our guides had yet to grasp the draining depths of our depraved and boisterous banter, and all three of them accompanied us for the full duration of the day's climb.

Guide #1: Big Swingin' Dixon (lookin' like a gangsta)
Guide #2: Sironga (going hard some sugarcane)

Guide #3: Sanka (thumbs up...ish?)

After a 5 straight hours of "Sanka, how do you say monkey in Swahili?" and "Hey Jandro, you're a fat ugly monkey!", they wisely devised a rotation schedule. Henceforth: one day with the loud Americans, two days to recover.

A quick lesson in Swahili (just the essentials, our full list here):
"Mzungu" - white person
"Mahfutah" - fart
"Keemah" - monkey
"Mnene" - fat
"Hassiri" - ugly
"Kichaa" - crazy
"Poa-kacheezy kah-man-deezee" - go crazy like a banana

In Swahili, an adjective follows the noun it describes. So, for instance, to say "crazy white person," you'd say "mzungu kichaa." Which, incidentally is what our guides called us from pretty much here on out.

One phrase we never quite uncovered the meaning of what was "mambo ne kulana-tu." What we do know: 1) Jandro said it like 5 million times, 2) passing porters giggled every time, and 3) our guides kept promising they'd tell us what it means "later."

Bromances a-buddin'

We eventually pieced together that it has something to do with the speaker expressing affection for the manhood of another. All I'll say for now is to take note of the fact that Sanka taught the phrase specifically to Jandro.

We arrived at Shira Camp 1 (11,483 feet) just in time for lunch.

Our enthusiasm knows no bounds

Here we were treated to an epic 15-minute sing-and-dance serenade by the entire porter posse.

Move along, Toto: we blessed the rains down in Africa, as we danced and spun and swayed and sang on slopes of Kilimanjaro.

Gettin' groovy with Big Swingin' and Yula the WC Overlord

You'd be backing it up too if you'd finally accomplished your life-long dream

Aside on Isaac's life-long dream: a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Isaac was a contestant on a Survivor-like television show called "Endurance." You can find all sorts of juicy tidbits about this "big-time jock" on his fandom bio.

Aside on Isaac's bio: inexplicably not mentioned is the fact that he got on said show primarily on the merit of his impeccably edited application video: an unrivaled masterpiece of composition, and the lifetime cinematic accomplishment of the very author composing these words...

But I doubly digress. Fortunately mentioned in said bio (and please, I really do implore you to read it) is Isaac's "life goal," as reported on his application: "go to Africa and dance with the natives."

Which is to say: life goal accomplished, bitches.

Since we got in so early, we got a chance to meet with some of the crew, toss around the frisbee, and do a bit of reading.

Wolgan the Chef and da boiz delivering some primo chow

The man known only as Dish Dude; never one to talk, ever one to smile

Isaac and Matthew ventured out on a solo photo quest and snapped some snazzy snaps.

Left: Isaac looking like a ninja. Right: Isaac looking like Bigfoot.

It was during this time that we got our only rain of the trip: a brief 20 minute shower that was over almost before it began.

How did a cute picture manage to sneak its way in here!?

That night we were treated to a sky coated with more stars than I've ever seen in my life. It was absolutely breathtaking. Using Isaac's star-gazer app, we were able to locate 4 distinct planets that were visible to the naked eye. That's insane.

Some epic views to fall asleep / wake up to

Day 3: Hitting Acclimatization Altitude

We woke the next day to frost on the ground: it was definitely getting significantly colder in the evenings.

I'm happy to report Jandro's tent made it through the night unscathed

Don't let the chilly evenings fool you, though. It still gets nice and toasty during the day, and due to the thin atmosphere, its really easy to get sunburned. That's the Heather-Moorland Zone for ya.

But you already know that, from the aside on the five climate zones, didn't you? You diligent reader, you. Give yourself one more high-five.

There's not much elevation gain between Shira Camp 1 and Shira Camp 2 (about 1,300 feet). Most of the going is pretty flat, and full of stunning scenes like this one.

"And thus the fellowship ventured forth, the dark spires of Kilimanjaro looming ominously in distance - filled with fear, yet full of hope."

Along the way we took a detour to climb Shira Cathedral Point, which has some breathtaking views of the Shira caldera.

Aside on the calderas: Kilimanjaro is a system of three distinct volcanic cones: Shira, Mawenzi, and Kibo. Shira and Mawenzi are extinct, but Kibo (the highest peak) is merely dormant, and could one day explode again.

Quick tinder pic pit stop!

Here we paid our respects to the bros of couldntmakeitmanjaro: we missed you, bros.

Left: moment of silence for failimanjarbro 1
Right: avatar pic with failimanjarbro 2

Our final destination for the day was Shira Camp 2 (12,795 feet).

Isaac getting him some polepole

About 13,000 feet is roughly where altitude sickness starts hitting, and it's around here that Soph started feeling a bit not-so-great.

Left: "Oh no, look! A cold breeze coming in at exactly knee-level!"
Right: "I dare you to take a fucking picture right now"

We'll be staying at this altitude for about 3 days. This is why the Lemosho route has the highest summit rate: your body gets a few days to get acclimated at this 13,000 feet altitude sickness threshold.

Enough with the cuteness already!

Our streak of amazing weather continued, and we spent the afternoon catching up on some reading. The temperature swings were pretty extreme: as long as the sun was out, you could sunbath pantless...

Skies out thighs out, baby!

... but as soon as it hid behind a cloud, temperatures insta-dipped to holy-balls-cold.

Unless you're Jandro and your balls need constant bundling

The sunset here was absolutely breathtaking, and Matthew just about lost his mind about how dope the lighting was.

Ninja kick to cool off!

Speaking of ballin'...

"You are... my fiiiiiire. The one... desiiiiiiire"

Mount Meru, poking up in the distance, clocks in at a respectable 14,977 feet

We were treated to another wicked sky of stars, and we fell asleep on silent slopes, spent but undaunted, Kili half-way conquered.

PHOTO DISCLOSURE: pretty much all the (good) photos in this post are courtesy of SkinnyFatNatz Photography

Pre-Kili chillimanjaro

The crew started trickling into Tanzania a few days prior to the start of our climb, giving the bros time to get over their jetlag, Soph the opportunity to take her last few showers, and me the chance to have my last few ("few") beers.

The joys of the Tanzanian tourist visa

Soph and I were the first to arrive, and we were welcomed warmly by the insane dongmuffin of a system that is the Tanzania visa process.

First: a Tanzania tourist visa is $50. Unless, of course, you're an American. In which case it's $100. Because, you know, f*ck Americans, I guess.

Second: although the Tanzania consulate website says you can pay with Visa, you most definitely cannot. Because, you know, f*ck me, I guess. I had to leave the airport to get to the nearest ATM, where I took out $150-worth of cold hard Tanzanian skrill. I ran back and presented said skrill to the Visa-hating visa bro, only to be informed that...

Third: you can only pay for the visa with US dollars. Doesn't matter whether or not you're a US citizen (I was traveling with my Czech passport); doesn't matter that Tanzanian ATMs don't, you know, issue US dollars; doesn't matter that this don't make no goddamn sense. Because, you know, f*ck everybody, I guess.

I thus had the pleasure of sprinting back out of the airport, exchanging my newly acquired Tanzanian shilling for USD, at which point we finally - finally - got our Tanzanian tourist visas.

We later met someone whose visa story included a fourth: "they don't accept bills smaller than 20s" and a fifth: "... or bills that were printed prior to 2010." I kid you not. I guess... we had it easy?

We arrived at our hotel (Meru View Lodge) a bit later than expected, but as they say in Tanzania: hakuna matata ("worries out").

My first taste of Kilimanjaro

Coffee plantation touring

Isaac got in late that same evening, so the next day we got up early to do coffee plantation tour / jungle walk at the nearby Usa River.

That's "oo-sah," not "you-es-ay." Totally not a mistake we made.

The walk over had us tromping through a sleepy village, where we encountered all of your staple farm animals: cows, chickens, goats, chameleons, etc etc.

A lizard hops on a lizard on hops.

The coffee "plantation" was more of a small, acre-sized farm run by a kindly elderly woman. It turns out most small-scale farmers no longer grow coffee, since it's not as profitable as corn, bananas, and other year-round crops. I suspect that it's in part due to tours such as our that small coffee farms are able to stick around.

Here we picked and tasted some coffee fruit straight off the vine: the berry is a small, odorless, red little thing, and the raw bean inside is slimy, hard, and rather un-coffee-tasting. We then got to make our own cup 'o joe, more or less from scratch.

Step 1: pick the red coffee fruit! Peel off the red shell and let the slimy bean instead dry out for few days. We didn't have a few extra days on hand, so we decided to skip this step.

Left: coffee trees with unripened beans. Right: outermost shell removed.

Step 2: smash the dried beans with a big stick! This breaks up a second shell, the red layer removed in step 1 being the first. Since the inner bean is really hard, you can smash pretty aggressively. Which, obviously, we did.

Isaac and Soph enjoyed performing this motion... a little too much.

Step 3: roast the beans! In a cast iron pot on a tiny little fire, preferably. This mostly involves poking the beans around while they get brittle-burnt.

Left: the art of coffee roasting. Right: the poking of artfully roasted coffee.

Step 4: smash the burnt beans with a big stick! Same general jerking motion as step 2, except that now the beans are roasty toasty and turn into magical coffee dust.

The freshest coffee you'll ever smell.

Step 5: mix the pulverized coffee with some hot water! Let it sit, stir a bit, and give it a casual straining (compare to Ethiopia, where they don't strain the grounds).

We didn't do much to help here.

Step 6: drink the coffee! The resulting brew was mind-meltingly delicious. Our host was super stoked that we drank the entire pot, and we were super stoked about everything, perhaps due to drinking the entire pot. WHOOO!

Here we helped a LOT. The joy is real!

We left heads a-buzin' and beelined to a nearby house for a home cooked meal. Here we learned that Tanzanians (like Ethiopians) eat pretty much exclusively with their hands; that Ugali (like Inej) is served with just about everything; and that the resulting food is, unsurprising, super dank.

Ugali is a cornmeal-like dish that Tanzanians eat with seemingly every meal.

We filled up on beans, veggies, fried bananas, and Ugali, and set off for a gentle jaunt through the jungle.

Take your thumb... boooom! Thumb print. And then... you scoop.

We washed our faces (no, Jandro, not like that) right at the source of the Usa river...

Either that, or Isaac and Soph and playing peekaboo.

... did some epic tree climbing...

These photos don't do justice to how amazingly ninja-like we're being here.

... and got munched by a mountain of fiesty fire ants.

"We" mostly being "Soph."

We also saw a ton of "kima": a handful of small, tree-swinging blue monkeys, and mostly a TON of agro colobus monkeys. The latter had an awesome, burp-sounding battle cry, and really, really hated Isaac's monkey call.

Goats yelling like humans, or humans yelling like goats?

Chillimanjarin' by the pool

The rest of the bros filtered in around lunchtime. We posted up by the pool, dove deep into some Tanzanian beer, and just kinda soaked in both.

We more or less took over the pool (*)

This move is called the Mexican border leap (*)

"The seduction of Barak" (*)

If these photos make it look like we didn't move pretty much all day, that's pretty much exactly what happened (*)

The hotel staff was friendly, though it soon became clear a dude named Barak took a special liking to Isaac. And although Isaac would prove to have many African admirers over the course of our trip, this first love surely burned brightest.

Isaac and Barak: the love that couldn't be. It started off innocently enough: a friendly request for some beers, a casual call for some refills; a stolen glance, a hidden smile, a look that lingered.

It wasn't long before the tension hung hot and heavy. Their cloying desire swelled the air like the scent of forbidden fruit, thick, ripe, ready to burst - magnetism so strong it would have torn lesser men asunder. But alas. As quickly as it came, so swiftly did it end.

The next day when we told Barak we were leaving, his eyes shot past us, scanning desperately for his one and only mizungu. He paused before he asked - sadly, desperately, already knowing the answer, but having to ask anyway...

"... even Isaac?"

Mingling with Maasai in Moshi

The next day our kili tour guides picked us up and drove us all the way to Moshi, a smallish city at the base of Kilimanjaro that serves as a home base for climbers.

Isaac re-enacting Soph's reaction to the yoghurt. It... made sense at the time.

Most Kilimanjaro tours include a stay in Moshi, the night before and after your climb, to ensure you have a bit of a buffer on both ends.

Speaking of ends, it looks like Jandro's thumb might have found Matthew's.

Our hotel in Moshi (the Parkview Inn) was surprisingly nice, especially since we booked a company on the cheaper end of the spectrum.

We had a dope pool, but everyone was too sunburnt to go anywhere near it.

We spent the afternoon exploring the town, and we eventually landed at a local watering hole called the East Africa Pub.

Left: RIP Joe's former shredcycle. Right: East Africa Pub calls our name.

On the way we met a couple of friendly Maasai warriors we ended up grabbing a few beers with.

Sidenote on Maasai: the Maasai are an East African tribe based primarily in Tanzania and Kenja. They're semi-nomadic herders and farmers, and continue to live a largely tribal life in the rural areas of the country.

One of the dudes (next to Matthew, below) was a son of a local chieftain. When Chu jokingly asked him if he ever fought a lion, Maasai bro nonchalantly told us about how he and three buddies killed a lion that was attacking their flock, using nothing but their goddamn spears. Damn son.

Left: chillin' with the Maasai. Right: nomming on "mbuzi" (goat).

To our great amusement, homeboy in the white shirt (shown seen sitting next to Jandro in the back of the photo above) was reaaaally stoked to chat up Isaac, who, as was starting to become clear, is a total African dude magnet.

Unfortunately, Isaac's heart belongs to another. Barak, you'll be pleased to know, your man stayed true.

(*) Starred photos are courtesy of Suffaboy Photography

Countless coffees at 8,000 feet

Caffeine-assisted explorations

The overnight flight from Vienna to Ethiopia took a solid 14 hours (including one layover) so by the time we arrived in Addis Ababa we were feeling nice and sleepy. As in, Soph legitimately fell asleep while we were planning our next move.

Fortunately, when it comes to caffeine, Ethiopia has you covered. This is, after all, the birthplace of coffee, and we wasted no time bringing Soph back to the land of the living, with successive service stops at Tomoca and Karavan Coffee.

Left: Soph comes back to life. Right: Mirek comes back to life.

Our pre-coffee plan was to take a chill night off and rest our weary bones. Our post-coffee execution had us beelining to the nearest microbrewery (Beer Garden Inn), and ultimately spending the evening at a traditional Ethiopian song-and-dance event at the Yod Abyssinia cultural center.

The beer at the brewery was surprisingly delightful (go with the "Blondie"), our meal at the cultural center was a delicious cornucopia of meats and spices, and the show itself was a lot of fun.

The rolled-up flatbread on the left is Injera. Ethiopians LOVE the stuff: I don't think there's a single meal we had without it. It's like... spongy styrofoam.

Eventually the caffeine started wearing off, so we check out one more nearby microbrewery (Bole - meh on this guy) and took a cab home. Addis Ababa may be one of the safest cities in Africa, but you're still advised to avoid unlit streets once the sun goes down.

Twelve miles by foot

The next day we set out to explore the city proper. First stop: coffee! This time we had a pot-pour vs. macchiato faceoff at Yeshi Buna (the latter won, but damn if it all ain't delicious).

Next stop: food! Ethiopian goes hard on beef, so we stopped by a butcher shop / restaurant (it's a common pairing, actually) called Yilma. When we asked for a menu we were met with an blank (amused?) stare. Turns out there is none! Better come prepared.

Refrigerating beef isn't really a thing, but we were none the worse for wear.

Thankfully we knew wanted to try "tibs" (an Ethiopian beef specialty, think steak bits), and otherwise I pointed at the raw hunks of meat sitting at the table next to us and got a half kilo of "that."

On the left: "tibs." On the right: "that."

The tibs was amazing, and probably my favorite meal of the trip. The raw steak (pre-steak?) was fun, though honestly a bit bland. It's seriously just hunks of raw meat with a side of dipping sauce. I took matters into my own hands by mixing it with the tibs.

Pun intended: in Ethiopia you eat everything with your hands. I'm pretty sure they don't even have a word for "fork."

The rest of the day was mostly dedicated to wandering through the city.

Left: construction safety 101. Right: uh, communist monument, I think?

Our main destination was the Addis Mercato, which is less a "market" (in the tourist sense) and more a square mile of clothes, car parts, sinks, toilets, scrap metal, and mottled mountains of miscellaneous junk. It was, in a word, INSANE.

These side street pics are about 250% more chill than the heart of the market.

The streets were teeming with cars, motorbikes, and hordes of people carrying towering mounds of stuff on their heads, all of it tetris-packed to the point of immobility. It was an experience, to be sure, but ultimately one I'd stamp as skippable.

Sidenote: this kid chillin' on his motorcycle is a gangsta.

Also skippable: the Holy Trinity Church. At least, that's what we decided as soon as we found out it the entry fee was 200 birr. To put that in perspective, 200 birr buys you almost 7 beers. It was a matter of principle.

What's not skippable is grabbing a coffee at the nearby Tomoca Coffee. This is probably the most well-known coffeeshop in Addis Ababa, and for good reason. We even got some beans to go for the Kilimanjarbros.

Sidenote on coffeeshops: almost none we found had any WiFi, and most didn't even have tables to sit at. Coffee in Ethiopia is a social activity, so don't bother bringing your laptop!

Our final stop of the day was St. George's Brewery on the other side of town. The place was dark, packed with locals, and totally awesome. It felt like a warehouse-based African take on a German beer hall. And the beer? Pretty damn good, actually!

Quite quaffable, and thus quite a quantity was quaffed.

We felt a bit lighter on the walk home, but 12 miles is 12 miles. Phew!

A day out in the country

The next day we booked a guided day trip on Viator, our primary destination being the Debre Libanos Monastery. It was a long (2-3 hour) ride, but our guide Kibrom spent it dropping knowledge like a boss, so it flew right by.

Overlooking Addis Ababa (here at about 9,500 feet above sea level).

Long sidenote on the Ethiopian calendar: the western world uses the so-called Gregorian calendar, introduced by Pope Gregory in the 1500s. Since Ethiopians are Orthodox Christians and thus don't see eye-to-eye with Catholics, they decided to do their own thing.

The Ethiopian calendar has 13 months. Each of the first 12 has exactly 30 days, and there a "bonus" 13th month to encapsulate the stragglers.

Also, the two calendars disagree (by 7 years) as to when Jesus was born, which means Ethiopians consider this post as having been written in 2011 (instead of 2018).

Here's a pretty pano to give you a break from all that text.

Long sidenote on Ethiopian time: when it comes to time, Ethiopians start "counting" with the sunrise. Thus what I'd call "7AM" is considered by Ethiopians to be "1 in daylight hours," and so on.

Note that clocks don't "shift" so as to match the sunrise exactly. The above correspondence holds at all times. Also note that websites and networked electronic devices use "standard" time (as well as the Gregorian calendar, for that matter).

But everything from bus schedules to store hours is given in Ethiopian time, so watch out!

The Debre Libanos Monastery was located high up in the hills. From the outside it didn't look like much, but the stained-glass art inside was amazing. We also got an impassioned tour from one of the resident monks, and hearing about the deep cultural significance of the place made all the difference.

Super tall picture of one side...

... and super wide picture of the other.

We happened to be there on market day, so the road out front of the monastery was teeming with folks selling goats, chickens, and farm goods galore. Definitely the chiller of our two market experiences.

Bartering over goats beats scrap metal negotiations any day of the week.

On the way back we saw a bunch of Gelada Baboons...

Apparently these guys sleep on crazy-steep cliffs of the nearby gorge.

... had some lunch overlooking the gorge...

Goat tibs with a side of some danky dank view.

... and ogled the waterfall by the Portuguese Bridge.

You can kinda see the bridge in the background on the right.

Standing at 8130 ft above sea level, looking down to 4659 ft above sea level.

We concluded our tour de countryside with a traditional coffee ceremony in the nearby village with some of Kibrom's friend, who hosted us at their home.

Coffee is traditionally made in a "Jebena" pot on a bed of hot coals.

Back in town for Meskel

We got back to Addis Ababa right in time for Meskel - it turns out we were in town for one of the biggest holidays of the year!

Long sidenote on Meskel: as tradition has it, around 300 A.D. the empress Helena had a dream directing her to light an epic fire and follow the resulting smoke, which would take her to the "true cross" Jesus was crucified on.

Meskel is the celebration of the resulting discovery. Today the celebration basically involves folks lighting epic bonfires all across Ethiopia, the largest of which happens in Meskel square in Addis Ababa.

Interestingly, Catholic tradition also has Helena finding the "true cross," though sadly there's no epic bonfire involved. Orthodox tradition for the win.

Our main man Kibrom told us all about it, and when we mentioned we were thinking about going to Meskel Square to check out the festivities, he said he'd love to take us, off the clock. What a boss!

Kibrom, bottom left, guiding us to a view of the square.

We spent the rest of the evening at Meskel Square. It was still daylight when we arrived, at which point not much of interest was going on. As soon as sun started to set, though, things starting getting awesome.

Check out the wall of lights on the hill in the background.

Soon fireworks started blasting, the massive bonfire started raging, and everyone everywhere was whistling and making epic infidel yodel cries. It's like Jesus and the 4th of July teamed up for a night of pyrodelight. Well done, Ethiopia.

Meeting Lucy

Our last day in Addis Ababa was deliberately, delightfully low-key. Since it was Meskel, everybody had the day off, and we were more than happy to follow suit.

Our hotel hosted a coffee ceremony, complete with some delicious, freshly-baked "Dabo" bread.

Our productive activity of the day was visiting the National Museum of Ethiopia, famous for being the home of "Lucy."

This is actually just a cast, they keep the real thing safely stashed in back.

The prehistoric exhibit in the basement was pretty cool, and was all the more exciting due to a power outage that occurred while we were there (we spent about five minutes viewing fossils by the light of my cellphone). The rest of the museum, though, was pretty bland. On the plus side, entry was only 10 birr (for shame, Holy Trinity Church; for shame).

We concluded our trip with a return visit to the Beer Garden Inn for some more of our favorite Ethiopian beer...

Serves me right for sharing my beer with Soph.

... as well as some, uh, let's call it "Italian-style" Injera.

Parting thoughts

On poverty: despite being one of the more economically advanced countries in Africa, Ethiopia came across as a poverty-stricken place. Outside of the city I expected it, but in Addis Ababa it was a bit of a surprise. Lean-to's were strewn about, jobless folks loitered around, and shanty-businesses had that scraping-to-get-by kinda feel.

On people: folks in Ethiopia were... somewhat indifferent to us. Service, in restaurants and otherwise, had a distant, I'm-bored-to-be-here feel to it, and strangers generally weren't as friendly as I'd expected. There were, however, some shining exceptions: our awesome guide Kibrom, the great hotel staff, and the super nice restaurant manager of Vaccari Restaurant who gave me ride through a sketchy neighborhood at night to take me to an ATM.

On culture: this is the reason to come to Ethiopia. There are no Safaris, no big natural attractions, and no sun-soaked beaches to bath at, but the culture is thick. The way in which culture and religion are braided so as to be indistinguishable; the quirks of calendar, clock, and language; and a rich history stretching back to the genesis of humanity make for a unique place, and made for a uniquely memorable trip.

Adventures with Koko Phat, Spills, and Maddie (nickname pending)

The train ride from San Diego to San Juan Capistrano is surprisingly easy, and I highly recommend it if you need to get from one city to the next. It's a quick hour-and-a-half ride (unlike Mirek's 5-hour schlep from San Diego to Santa Barbara).

Day 1: Impromptu Pub Crawl

When the one-and-only Koko picked me up from the train station, she asked - like any good host does - what I would like to do that day. I replied with a firm "down for whatever". Given our ambivalence about how the day should pan out, we decided to go with the flow. Here is what followed.

Stop One: We need friends

Korrie informed me that one of her friends works at the local watering hole, The Seahorse. This is an insanely cute, impeccably decorated bar in the back of a store. They also serve an amazing sour, which certainly didn't hurt. We decided to go and spend some time there hanging with Koko's friends, drinking on neon-pink couches, and catching up on all the summer had offered us.

Sorry Mirek, sunglasses staying on for this one.

Stop Two: We need a rooftop

We left the Seahorse in search of a restaurant on the water and found a place called The Deck. We soon decided that a view of the ocean wasn't worth packing ourselves into a crowded bar, yelling at Korrie while she stands 12 inches from me, and slipping on 2 inches of spilled drinks. Therefore, we decided to leave this location and opted for one of Korrie's favorites, K'ya Bistro.

Here, we were able to be on the roof overlooking the ocean, have a place to sit, and speak at a reasonable volume to one another - does this mean I'm old?

Frozé all day.

We then proceeded downstairs for some much-needed nutrition in the form of a delicious tapas-style dinner. If you know me, you know that hangry Sophie is not a Sophie with whom you want to be.

Stop Three: We need friendship bracelets

With full bellies, we headed over the Sawdust Art Festival. After perusing a few different stands and listening to the live band, we visited a stand that really spoke to us and naturally settled on buying friendship earrings.

Maybe we're not so old after all.

Stop Four: We need a brewery

We continued our party at the brewery next to the festival, Laguna Beach Beer Company accompanied by the friends from Step One. It's safe to say that at this point, we were feeling no pain.

Not quite sure what we were going for here.

Stop Five: We need to dance

Our last stop was at Sandpiper, a dive bar in downtown Laguna Beach, where we danced 'till the wee hours of the morning.

Photo is self explanatory.

Around 1am we decided that Taco Bell was in order and proceeded to walk all the way there (editor's note: 7 minutes)... only to find out they were closed. Fourth meal my ass.

We weren't about to let that deter us from having our well-earned late night food. Upon arriving home at 2am, Korrie proceeded to make a feast of epic proportions, including an omelet, roasted potatoes, and polenta. Take that, you dumb chihuahua.

Day 2: Chiiiiiiill

Upon waking up, we decided (that is, our heads decided for us) that today would be a chill day. We grabbed some food, ran a few errands, and went to the beach.

Trying to transform back into functioning humans.

Feeling rested and relaxed, that night we met up with Spills (aka Lindsey) for food and some much needed girl time.

Day 3: Hiking and Maddie

The morning of the third day we woke up refreshed and ready to tackle the day. Korrie and I went for a nice 5 mile hike in a nearby canyon.

We made sure to take the "Mentally Sensitive" hike.

Back at home, Korrie once again proved her skills in the kitchen and made a delicious brunch while I had the privilege of getting to meet my new niece, Maddie!

Photo on the right was clearly not taken on this day and was instead stolen from Lindsey, but I couldn't deny you the opportunity to see those dimples!

That afternoon I said goodbye to all three ladies and hello to my book. It kept me good company for the next 3 hours until Mirek arrived from Santa Barbara.

That evening, we enjoyed a delicious beer Korrie saved specifically for Mirek, and we (read: "I") fell asleep to the soft, distant sounds of a movie fading into the background.

The womps do totally awesome bro stuff

While Soph was getting off at San Juan Capistrano, cheerily reflecting on how "surprisingly easy" the ride up had been, I was bracing for the remainder of my 5 and-a-half hour migration to Santa Barbara. Don't believe the lies: that extra half hour is real, and it's enough to break a man.

Full disclosure: it was 5.5 hours of unadulterated alone-time bliss

Fortunately, the weekend was dedicated to the bros being unbreakable goddamn womps, so I bore my cross like a boss, and before I knew it I was lounging in the Doucheline^®, comfortably cracking an ice-cold IPA.

Introducing: Isaac, aka Saac, aka Izaku, aka Dunkless, aka Womp 1 #2, aka the-dude-shown-here-sitting-in-his-boxers.

Isaac, immediately prior to failing to pair the Dual Chodes. Again.

Isaac's new place was dope: small but cozy, with a wall that fully opens up to an epic view of Santa Barbara, a wall stacked with Bruery beers, and (in no part thanks to Isaac's efforts) surround-sound Dual Chode accoustics.

We met up with two of Isaac's friends for dinner at a hot pot place called Lao Ma Tou, where we obviously got the so-damn-fiery-the-waiter-doesn't-recommend-it-for-white-folk broth. Long story short, Isaac lost a thumb wrestling match, so he had to chug a bowl of from-the-bowls-of-hell broth. He finished it, but barely.

You know what he got? F+. Click.

After some hearty sleep and a danky lox breakfast, we jumped into the Doucheline^® and cruised out to tackle the infamous ACLCT ("Arlington Cathedral La Cumbre Trail Loop). This 9 mile, 3000-ft-of-elevation-climb of a hike crests three of the highest peaks in Santa Barbara. Bring it, bro.

Should someone tell him the cap is still on his waterbottle?

The hike kicked off in an aggressive fashion, and had us climbing boulders up a steep, dried up creek bed that was absolutely crawling with poison oak.

Flashback to last time Isaac and I encountered poison oak, wheeee!

The hike was pretty damn epic. The climb up was breakneck steep, and involved some legitimately intense boulder scaling - some necessary, some for (oh) shits and giggles.

Left: oh shits. Middle: giggles. Right: ...both?

The crest fest began with Arlington Peak (3258 ft)...

Whatever Isaac sees on the right is aparently way doper than the view.

... followed promptly by a dual-selfie stop at the nearby Cathedral Peak (3333 ft).

More like smellfie.

After a steep downhill climb and a brief jaunt through the "strange little forest," we braved one more stretch of non-stop vertical vaulting and finally - 3.5 hours in - summited the fabled La Cumbre Peak (3985 ft).

If we're counting Isaac's, make that 3987 feet.

And while the view may have been the prettiest sight, the prettiest sound was the sound of Isaac cracking open a crowler of Figuero Mountain Mosaic Pale, which we'd lugged up wrapped up in an ice pack insulated with towels.

I suppose the view was prettier without beer bellies blocking it.

The still-ice-cold beer was unfathomably fantastic, and paired perfectly with the superb sandwiches we brought up for lunch.

Rejuvenated by said beer (and strongly motivated by the prospect of more), we pretty much sprinted down the gently sloping return trail. By the time we got back to the Doucheline^® - in sum, 9 miles and 6 hours later - we were still so fresh and full of energy we were ready to do it all again.

Isaac, demonstrating how weaker-willed men than we might feel.

Alas, the call of beer was too strong.

Back in town, we had an amazing dinner at Arigato Sushi, and set off to answer the call. Our favorite bar was Night Lizard Brewing Company, which had a v-solid hazy IPA, and where I absolutely decimated Isaac in some Battleship.

Not sure why we're both eyeballing the camera so creepily.

We topped the evening off with a few well-timed beer-for-life callouts (Mirek fails: 1, Isaac fails: 2), and officially stamped the day - and the weekend - with the metaphorical mark of massive success.

Kate's Dirty Thirty!

Our tour-de-SoCal kicked off in style in (it's a fact) the greatest city in the history of mankind, where we spent the weekend chillin' with the illustrious Kate and Brad. We were treated to curbside pickup, and I'm pleased to report Brad doesn't share Kate's passion for driving 10 miles per hour slower than the posted speed limit.

We headed straight over to Kate and Brad's new apartment, where we were greeted by the adorable Sal and Dora, who are (it's a fact) the cutest kittens in the history of felinekind.

Also a fact: I was totally Dora's favorite.

Brad grilled us some delicious steaks, and we spent the evening chilling in earnest. Conversation flowed freely, and bountiful Ballast Point brews soothed our collective souls and served as kindling for some hilarious coming-cleans.

We topped off our night with a hearty helping of Who Is America, and the following morning Soph and I slept in later than any resident of the Beaver-Heusner household has ever slept, in like, ever.

Which is to say, we got up around 10AM.

That morning Kate made us a bombtown breakfast, and Kate and Brad surprised Soph by asking her to officiate their wedding! It goes unsaid Soph said "yes." Kate also made a passing comment about not having a bachelorette party, whereby it goes unsaid Soph told her "not a f**cking chance."

That afternoon we checked out Kate and Brad's wedding venue by the beach. It was a gorgeous - we can't wait to come back next April!

This photo marks Brad's return to the land of the living

Feeling we'd done enough adulting for the day, we made a quick pit stop at the pad (I had to pretty up my hair, it was getting so, ugh, like, you know?), and headed out to Gianni Buonomo Vinters to celebrate Kate's DIRTY THIRTY!

Those of you that know Kate can probably guess just how destructively dirty things got. We had a delicious charcuterie board (!), sipped on some superb wine (!!), and had some great conversations with Kate and Brad's friends (!!!). Typical out-of-control, get-it-together Kate kind of stuff.

Get it together ladies. We're not in our 20s anymore.

The wine was seriously quite good, though I couldn't resist sneaking off for a few minutes to grab an IPA next door at the Belching Beaver Brewery (you know your 30th is a big deal if they name the brewery next door after you).

On Sunday Kate and Brad dropped us off at the train station, and we jetted north to continue our tour-de-SoCal.

Seen in the back is Kate's friend Jason, being bitter he can't sit next to Soph

Thanks a million for hosting us, and give Dora and Sal our best!

Welcoming Nadia to the family!

In late August, Mirek and I had the pleasure of traveling to Seattle to spend the weekend at my cousin Ben's wedding and welcome Nadia to the family. Given that we also have some solid peeps living up there, we were able to enjoy more than just wedding festivities with the fam.

Day 1: Meeting our new best friend, Aurelia!

The weekend was full of babies. Our first stop was to visit Dan and Emily and finally meet the newest addition to their home, Aurelia. As you can imagine, she instantly charmed us. And I will never admit that she likes Mirek more than me... ever.

Seen here: Auriela being held by Sophie, while chewing on another Sophie.

We spent the evening enjoying some dankity dank take out (soup dumplings for the win), sipping on some delicious beer Dan graciously let us enjoy from his private stock, and gushing over Aurelia (yes, she is that cute).

Don't worry, puppy Consuela got plenty of love too.

Day 2: We're On A Boat, Mother F___er!

The next day we had an amazing Mexican feast on the Puget Sound, and we left Dan and Emily to meet up with the whole fam-damily. We checked into the Airbnb, sipped on some delicious Seattle brews, and - after waiting hours for Mirek to fix his hair - we finally headed over to day one of wedding festivities, a boat tour of Seattle.

Clearly the hours paid off.

The best part about the day was finally getting to meet Nadia. I'm shocked that it took so long for this to happen. Less shocking was that I was clearly the center of attention for the entire evening. Here is photographic evidence of this fact.

Fine... maybe a smaller, cuter family member was the center of attention.

The boat ride was amazing, the bride and groom were stunning, and a good time was had by all.

While the boat ride had come to an end, the evening was far from over. We headed back to our trusty Airbnb and walked 2 grueling minutes to the neighborhood bar, Chuck's Hop Shop & Kegs.

After some amazing beers (including a Gluten-Free gose and IPA for Sam), we headed home to play one of the best games in history (shout out to the lovely Jana for introducing us to it). There is no name for it (that I know of), but you can think of it as "telephone" but with alternating drawings and sentences.

This pattern repeats itself until you have your original paper back in your hands, at which point you read the sentences out loud while showing the corresponding drawings.

WARNING: bring an extra pair of underwear.

Here are some of the best from our evening:

Follow the story by starting at the upper left and going counter-clockwise

As you can see, things escalated quickly. 10/10, would do again.

Day 3: Wedding Day

We woke up feeling rested and not-at-all-hungover-as-if-a-small-child-had burrowed-itself-into-the-space-between-my-eyebrows and headed out to the famous Pike Place Market. If we could give any advice to someone going there, it would be to go on a weekday. Otherwise, prepare to dodge crowds like it's a sport.

We managed to dodge the crowds for about an hour before deciding a glass of wine and some cheese back at the house would do just fine. It also worked out because (again) Mirek takes forever to get ready, and he needed to go back and start his beauty regime.

Back at the house, Mirek was taking an egregious amount of time deciding which shirt best matched his eyes, so we decided to pass the time by having a photo shoot with Leeloo.

I mean, come on, does it get any cuter?

Once Mirek finally finished dolling himself up for the evening, we headed out for the wedding at Pacific Tower. It was a beautiful event, and we thank Ben and Nadia for allowing us to be a part of their special evening!

Mirek hid for this picture after deciding his chosen shirt washed out his eyes.

Day 4: Buddies, Boats, and Babies

Our last day in Seattle was spent visiting 3 and a half other amazing humans. Enter Mike, Laura, little James, and his soon-to-be sister (still taking up residency in Laura's belly).

Not seen here: a secret basement room you slide down a fireman's pole to get into that had Mirek in a giddy child-like frenzy.

Laura cooked us an amazing dinner, James showed us all his new toys, and Mike took us on their boat for a tour of the Puget Sound.

I suppose you could say Mike showed us one of his new toys, too.

All of this happened while James wasn't feeling well and had a fever. To say he was a trouper would be an understatement.

With bellies full of delicious food and more bubbly water than I care to admit drinking, we made the schlep back down to Portland. We slept like babies that night.